Laying it Down.....Again

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. Didn't want to get out of bed. Just a general feeling of being overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by life here. Overwhelmed with decisions that loom for our family. Overwhelmed with the idea of staying. Overwhelmed by the thought of leaving in a few short months. Overwhelmed by the lostness that surrounds us. Just.....overwhelmed. In the mission field, I think this is called cultural stress. Or culture shock. At least I recognize it. The problem is, I struggle with it much too often.

I've always known, but am really learning over time that this familiar feeling is not from God. The enemy seeks to paralyze me in these moments. My mind is inundated with lies. You aren't good enough. You aren't making a difference. You aren't qualified. No one cares about your ministry here. Give up. Go home.

Oh, it would be so easy to pack it up and just go home. When I look at things by sight and in my own strength, it seems quite impossible. F*lk Isl*m permeates this place. There is nothing warm and fuzzy about ministry here. Nothing. Of course, I know there is not much warm and fuzzy about ministry anywhere. It's hard. And it takes time. Investments......our life, time, prayer, money, sacrifice of our way and our wants.

Go read 2 Corinthians 5. The whole chapter.

Oh, the groaning that is done in this tent! How I love that God prepared us for this very thing by giving us His Spirit! It is the Spirit that reminds me. I love how God's word tells me the Spirit is my guarantee.....my guarantee that this tent is temporary and my heavenly dwelling awaits! I walk by faith and not by sight.

So I lay it all down....again.

I don't remember ever laying down so much at the foot of the cross on a daily basis as I have living here. It can be exhausting.

And so I started praying and the Lord brought to my mind the verses in Matthew about his yoke being light.

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:29-30

No one is qualified in the presence of God. Except that we have Jesus. And when God looks at me, He sees all the qualification that matters.

Ugh....now I'm crying....again.

How humbled I am that He cares about me. That He loves me. That He allows me to be here and be involved in what He is doing in this place. His grace is sufficient. It sustains me when all else lets me down. It sustains me when the days are hard. It sustains me when the questions come and the answers don't. He is enough.

Rick had his very first Bible study here the other night. A real study. With guys REALLY interested in learning the Truth. They had lots of questions. I asked Rick later what kinds of questions and he couldn't even put it all back into words for me....there were some crazy questions. He described it as a fog. One guy is well educated. Knows Arabic. Has read the K*ran multiple times. Has traveled and studied at some pretty high level Isl*mic schools. His questions come out of the heavy fog of that background. The other guy comes from a mostly "Christian" area of our country where animism has a strong hold under the thinner layer of popular religion. And he's encountered lots of false prophets and false teachings from people claiming to be "Christian". He has lots of questions coming out of the fog of that background.

At the end of their time together, Rick was encouraging them. He told them that he knows it's hard here. There are VERY few places to find encouragement and support when you are coming out of either of those fogs in this part of the world. There are very few places of support and encouragement here period for any of us that follow Jesus. But Jesus, he said, is our example. Everything we need we can find in him. He encouraged them to be strong in the Lord. They talked about the power of the HS in their lives. How he would guide them. And for them to keep sharing with those around them. When Jesus was living on this earth, he really spent all of his time with just 12 guys. Twelve. And one man and his 12 friends....well, they changed the world.

I'll probably have to lay something down again tomorrow. But today, I'm choosing to walk by faith.....one step at a time.

What about you? What lie are you listening to today? What burden is on you that feels like the weight of the world? I challenge you to trust His plan. Trust Him. Lay it down today and choose to walk by faith!

Purging and the Grocery Bill

I started my morning out purging and cleaning and trying to gather up all of the receipts that we need to send in for reimbursement. We haven't done a monthly financial report since May. They aren't my favorite way to spend time, but it is a necessary one that I've been neglecting. In the process, I've chased a few rabbit trails around the house as my mind is pulled into a dozen directions today. We have a team here this week and next and are going to be working on oral bible stories this afternoon and the next few days with them and another team here from a different mission. I also need to carve out time for lesson planning, meal prep, and language study. But for the moment, I'm mostly purging and thinking about what necessities to pack in our emergency bags. Our country faces another round of elections this weekend if everything goes as currently planned. With the instability and ethnic tensions that have plagued our country and this process, we live with several suitcases packed at all times in case a hasty exit is needed. Your prayers for our people during this time would be so appreciated.

I'm amazed this morning at the "things" we've seemed to collect since living here. I have a shelf under my kitchen cabinet that is overflowing with empty glass jars and other containers. There are old, random "to-do" lists found all over the house. I've found tons of papers with names and phone numbers that we've never put in our phones. And then there is a stack of loose scrap paper with random language notes that we've picked up here and there when we are out and about. As I was cleaning off our bookshelf, I came across a bunch of grocery receipts. We do our supply shopping every 4-6 weeks. I've gotten good at planning ahead and know just how much meat and cheese will fit into our tiny freezer. I buy most all of our fruits, vegetables and staples like flour and sugar here in our city. But we drive 5 hours and across the border into a neighboring country to shop for things like canned goods, milk, meat, cheese, dog food, etc. I was talking with several friends recently about the prices we pay for everything from gas to milk. Most of my friends have spent significant time in recent years and months in France and other places in Europe. In their experience, the prices we pay here are far greater than most of the same things in France and beyond. As I was looking at my stack of grocery receipts, I thought I'd post this real quick before I throw them away so you might have an idea of our cost of living. Some of these things, I don't remember the price for in the States. Maybe some of you could give me a comparison if you've bought any of these recently. For your reference, everything is sold in kilograms here. One kilo (kg) is equal to just a little over two pounds. One liter is about 1/4 gallon. I'm converting the price we paid into roughly the USD amount it would equal.

Mozzarella (in a block that I have to shred myself) - 1 kg - $20
Sliced deli ham - 1 kg - $26
Dog food - 4 kg bag - $16.50
Orange juice - 1/2 gallon - $6
Frosted flakes (an off brand) - $6
Jasmine rice - 5 kg bag - $9
Cooking oil - 1 liter - $6
Small bottle of listerine - $10
Milk - 1 liter - $3 (that makes a gallon of milk roughly $12)
Pert shampoo - small bottle - $4
Nutella - small jar 350 gm - $8
Cheddar cheese (in a block that I shred) - 1 kg - $30
Bama mayonnaise - lg jar - $4
Green beans - lg can - $3
Sliced cheese - 12 slices (not Kraft) - $5
Butter - 2 sticks - $2
Hamburger meat - 1 kg - $5.50
Pringles - reg size can - $4
Lays chips - small bag like you might buy at a gas station - $5
AAA batteries - 2 batteries - $2

At a restaurant:

Hamburger with fries & coke - $10
milkshake - $2
grilled fish (1 filet) with rice - $7
order of fries alone - $2.50
Cheeseburger alone - $5

Some random items that Rick priced but not things we bought:

blender - $89
Scrabble deluxe game - $120
mid-size ice chest - $60
PS2 game system - $300
Mint chocolate ice cream (1/2 gallon) - $13


Crazy, huh?

You've been lost!

Among our people, there is a greeting that is used when you haven’t seen someone for a while. It literally translates “You’ve been lost.” I went to the university this morning with Rick to watch our volunteers teaching. I was greeted this way by one of the young men who had been in a class I taught earlier this year. I just saw him two weeks ago, but in this culture, if you don’t see someone several times a week, they have been lost. And then we went walking around in the market and several of my lady friends greeted me with this same greeting. It really had been a long time since I had last seen them.

I’ve been lost a lot lately……lost in the “what’s going to happen six months from now”…forgetting about “living intentionally in the now”.

There are several reasons for this….one of which is the amount of time it takes just to accomplish anything in home school and take care of our household. BUT….I have also been guilty of using these things as an excuse to not go out. I’ve really been convicted lately about this. My various excuses have kept me from being out among our people…..practicing language….stretching my comfort zone….building relationships. And THAT is the whole reason I’m here….to SHARE the love of the One who sent us here!!

I’m happy to report that focusing on the “now” has recently been brought back into focus for me. God is SO good! And patient! I’m so thankful for how the Word is speaking to me in these days. We’ve begun studying through Hebrews as a team while the girls are here. I don’t think I’ve ever really DUG into Hebrews before. I’ve read it….but never gone digging for the hidden treasures. It’s really challenging me. Chapter 1 reminds us of the supremacy of Jesus over all things. And then the first verse of Chapter 2 warns us, we are to therefore….. because of His supremacy, the way I read it….“pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it”. Think about that. How easy is it for a boat to drift away if someone has neglected to make sure it is fastened to the dock? How much more are we in danger of drifting if we neglect our salvation? At first I thought, “Well, that’s definitely not me…..not right now. I’m not in danger of that kind of neglect.”

But then we got to Chapter 3 this last week. And beginning in verse 7, I started squirming a little as we read the writer’s admonition for us not to be like the believers of the Exodus generation who always went “astray in their heart”. The Israelites had a physical reminder of God’s presence with them in a multitude of ways as He rescued them over and over. Yet, they still complained and forgot all He had done for them. They were found guilty of the sins of unbelief and disobedience.

Okay, I started sweating a little at this part. Because what had I been doing lately? Wallowing in a pit of worry about the future and forgetting the fact that I know the One who holds our future. Had I so easily forgotten all He has done in our life and can and will do? Hello….drifting….can we say unbelief? Or the fact that as long as I sit wallowing in that unbelief, I cannot be about doing the things I have been called here to do…NOW. Is that word “disobedience” coming to anyone’s mind? It sure did mine!

What really got me, though, was that God was really “provoked with that generation” for their sin of unbelief and disobedience to the point that in his wrath, he swore they would not enter his rest. Now, I’m no theologian, but I don’t think this has anything to do with our eternal rest. I think it has to do with present rest.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to go backward in unbelief. I want to move forward in faith and experience His present rest!

Verses 12 and 13 offer a counter to these dangers of drifting.....encouraging personal commitment…being resolved in our faith (take care, vs. 12) and calling on the church to walk together in mutual encouragement (exhort one another, vs. 13). A commentary I read said it this way. “From the perspective of God’s saving plans for world history, the church lives in a special moment in which the Lord has come, spoken, and gone, and believers await his return – faith is called for in this hour, and mutual exhortation both sustains and strengthens faith.”

“For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end.” (vs. 14) Perseverance should mark the life of a believer….moving forward in faith!!!

I’m thankful for friends who are speaking truth to me in love……for that sweet friend who reminded me this weekend to get my eyes focused back on the Rock that I’m tethered to. To friends who are speaking words of life and encouragement into my days…..thank you!!!!

There is a blessing among our people that says, “Allah noya ke.” May God give you good health. Many times lately, my response has been, “Allah an be noya ke.” May God give us all good health. That is my prayer tonight…..that we would all be blessed with spiritual health and entrance into His present rest as we persevere in faith and obedience on the journey to which He has called each of us.

A Pit Stop

Wow. Nothing like no internet connection to put a stop to some thankfulness. Actually, it didn't stop the thankfulness. The thankfuls just didn't make it to the blog. They were handwritten in my journal while away. We spent the last week in the capitol with dear friends who made our first Thanksgiving away from home quite special.

But that's not really what is on my mind tonight.

So be warned.....if you want to read happy things, stop after that first paragraph....

....because when the internet connection bumped me off the thankful posting, my feet landed right up on a very slippery slope. And down into a pit I have fallen.

I've hit a wall of sorts. I had been warned it would come. But I don't want sympathy. Really.

I find myself more times than not editing what I post. Now, before you go thinking I don't post truthful things, I do. But, you know, I want my words to bring God glory. And somehow unhappy things....written unhappy things, especially....just don't seem to mesh with that goal too much.....at least they haven't in my mind very often. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but it is what it is. And so, I don't often give myself permission or freedom to write about the ugly realities.....which if I stop to think about it is really dumb....because we all have ugly realities.....we're human.

At any rate, the benadryl, sudafed and insomnia have pushed me over the edge and I have found freedom to write without editing. Again, be forewarned, these are raw emotions tonight.

This place is hard. Really hard. Spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Harder than I ever imagined it could be....and trust me, I had imagined some hard stuff. I had been here twice last year. Unlike some, I had seen where we would live and knew exactly what we were walking into. But, man, living it is just a different story.

We live in a politically unstable country with no electricity and pretty much no running water. As I'm sitting here typing, I'm listening to gunshots....don't freak out, Moms....that's quite normal here. We can't speak the native language of the people we were sent to reach for His fame. Dude, we can't even speak the official language of the country. Most days, there is a 30-second delay in the phone trying to talk to someone just a few miles away. There are no vacation spots within easy reach. And to get a plane ticket going anywhere out of here for a break is no less than $500 per person. There are no restaurants to get away for a date. That is NOT an exaggeration.....there are ZERO. Homeschooling is HARD. Learning a language BAREFOOT-style is HARD. Cooking every meal practically from scratch is HARD. Balancing life here is HARD...harder than anything I ever tried to balance in the States. Everyone laughs when you try to speak. I know that's part of this culture, but dude, it gets OLD. Every time you walk out the door, you are stared at like a caged monkey. And if you can hear what they are saying, you get really tired of the word Tubabu. I've gone from being good at lots of things, to being half decent at a few things. Can someone just say, "cultural stress", please?

Now before you go feeling sorry for me...like some will....DON'T. Again, I say, I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm just giving myself permission to be "ugly" real for a minute.

Contrary to what some are thinking and saying, we didn't have a choice to be here. Yeah, sure, we could have said, "No, God, I love you, but that's asking just a little too much. That's just a little too far out of our comfort zone." For us personally, at this season, for this time, that just wasn't an option for us.

A few of you will really get that last sentence. Most will not. And I don't mean that to sound judgmental. It's just the reality of it. I know. I was in that "most" category not so long ago.

No, there was no option this time. Trust me, if we had been given any options in this, this place is not the one we would have chosen. I would have chosen a place with air conditioning, and parks to play in, and coffee shops to visit, and castles to visit on the weekends, or safaris to go on for vacation. A place with friends for my kids. But this is the place God chose for us whether we like it or not. I still don't fully understand it. I don't get our part in all this. I struggle with it still. And all of that is compounded exponentially by homesickness. I miss home. I miss my friends. I miss my church. I miss my family. I miss my mom.

If you were planning to come for a visit, please don't change your mind after reading this. :)

There are many things for which I give thanks. Our boys have a large yard to play in. We aren't here totally alone....though some days still feel very lonely. We have great batteries for our solar panels thanks to our wonderful home church and our mission. In case you don't put that together, that means we have really reliable power for our lights and fridge. We have the privilege of an air conditioned 4-wheel drive vehicle thanks to Southern Baptists who have given generously. We are healthy. This list could and does go on....even farther than the "ugly" reality list.

I'm humbled daily here. I am on my knees before Him constantly. I live completely under His grace and new mercies each day. I am more dependent on Him than ever before in my life. I am reminded in oh-so-many-ways that I am nothing....and can do nothing....without Him. It is He who moves the mountains. It is He who brings justice. It is He who gives strength to the weary. It is He who breathes life into everything and everyone He allows me to touch. Even with all the "ugly" reality, I can't imagine being any place else if it meant being out of His will. I never want to go back. Though I wouldn't argue too much with Him if He moved his will for me to a different place. :) But then, there are "uglies" everywhere in the world, so maybe I'll just keep being thankful for today.

Lord Jesus, I lay all of this at your feet tonight. I know your plan is perfect. I trust you. Use my feeble attempts, my inept words and actions, my half-exhausted emotions, the good, bad and ugly of my life....use it all for your Glory.

PS - Thanks, blog. I feel better after freeing myself to be real ugly with you.